Throughout my life, I have always struggled with confidence. Whether this manifests itself in the dressing room of a clothing store, at a social event, or in the classroom, my lack of self-confidence has always been a lingering factor in my decision making process. I believe that innately, society has conditioned women to second guess themselves and their abilities, and thus, the instinctive level of self-confidence that men seem to possess, is often absent within women. Attending an all-women’s college whose message is centered on feminism, I have come to understand this statement on a deeper level, and learn how to handle this reality. Yet, even with this realization in mind, I especially found my lack of confidence revealing itself when faced with choosing a major at the end of my sophomore year.
Coming into Scripps, I had ruminated on the variety of possibilities of majors: from environmental science, to art, to politics and international relations. Yet, as time went on, I found myself in different intro classes with older students, negating myself and feeling inferior. I was consistently putting myself down, and justifying this act with reasons such as, I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to follow through with this subject matter by majoring in it, or god-forbid pursue a career in the discipline. No matter the encouraging words of teachers and peers, or the good grades to prove it, I still felt incompetent. By the end of my sophomore year, when the time came to choose a major, I felt lost. I was on track for a politics major, and was very passionate about this subject, yet continued to discredit myself. I would think “I’ll never be good enough to be successful in the real world of politics” or “How could I compete with these students out in the professional world?” In the end, I decided that politics was not for me and convinced myself to take another route. Looking back, I mainly attribute this decision to self-confidence issues. No one had ever specifically told me I wasn’t good enough (perhaps even the opposite!), but my negative, self-deprecating mentality consistently took the lead.
This summer, I had time to reflect upon my decision to bypass my politics major for an art history major. Especially working in a museum everyday, I had time to picture myself in this field permanently. And I simply could not see it; there was no click, no light bulb, no spark.
A turning point came after a networking trip where I was able to meet many Scripps grads who I questioned about my current dilemma. I came out of the summer with a renewed sense of hope. This was because most of the women I had talked to were able to reassure me that many, many people do not follow a career in their given undergrad major field, and are very successful and content nonetheless. A specific moment that illuminated the fact that my constant self-deprecation was truly a waste, was an anecdote told to me by several Scripps grads, who each repeated this to me in isolated incidents: “Statistically speaking, women won’t apply for a job if they don’t fit every single requirement listed on the job application, whereas men will apply to a job with as few as two requirements met.” This anecdote spoke miles to me, as I came to fully recognize the concept I had previously mulled over, but applied in a “real-world” workforce setting. I refused to be the woman in that anecdote, the woman who negates herself when confronted with an opportunity that may scare her, primarily because I had already been this woman earlier that year when choosing a major.
I don’t mean that I am not passionate about my current major. On the contrary, art history fascinates me. But the principle of the matter behind my choosing of this major lies in my lack of self-confidence. In the end, I came to recognize that, although I may not know every single thing about politics or the environment, or whatever subject I turned down at the time because I thought I wasn’t good enough, there is no reason I cannot take part in a subject I care about. In the classroom, I now find myself interrupting my self-doubt or deprecation, and constantly remind myself that, even though I may not be a politics major, in no way does that make me unfit or unable to pursue that passion in the future, or as a career option.
Self-confidence was a huge factor that was missing in my professional and educational career, and a flaw that led me to second-guess myself and make certain decisions that were safe and in my comfort zone. Every day, I now push myself instead of shutting down, and have started building the self-confidence I now realize is so necessary to success in college and when pursuing a career.
