Talking to Your Family About Feminism This Holiday Season

For some of us, the holidays are “the most wonderful time of the year.”

But for many, the holidays also entail a certain amount of anxiety, fear of the heated political conversations that will inevitably occur over Thanksgiving dinner about why exactly Trump may not just be the best political candidate for President, or having to listen to the cruel and not-so-subtle micro-aggressions from Grandpa. Even things as little as your aunt asking you for the fourteenth year in a row if you have a boyfriend and you having to explain that your worth is not justified by a man or you simply have better things to do with your time can become  extremely exhausting.

However, this holiday season, I challenge you to take on the ferocious task of talking to your families about feminism, because even if it results in a ruthless debate or your crazy stubborn relative throwing a turkey leg across the dinner table, you’ll never know what little cousin listening in the corner might get out of it. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll get your family to agree with you on something. I said maybe.

When I went home over Thanksgiving break, I asked my uncle what he thought about feminism.

“It’s just a bunch of crap!” Could you expand? “Feminism is crap, you know, like bullshit. It’s like reverse racism, women trying to make themselves better than men.” But feminism works to promote the equality of all sexes. “What are you talking about, women are equal, in America at least, but not in the third world.” What about the fact that women make 78 cents to the dollar? “That’s just the bad ones. All of my bosses were women, and they just micro-managed everything, they were control freaks.” Would you think the same thing if they were men? “No, men don’t do that.”

My conversations with my mom went a bit better than with my uncle. I told her about my intro to FGSS class and how it has really challenged my basic understanding of feminism through exploring concepts like intersectionality. Then she said, “What’s intersectionality?” My immediate response, “Are you serious?” I was shocked because this word had become so mainstream to me after arriving at Scripps that I forgot how it may not be a part of everyone’s vocabulary. I then went on to explain, in simple terms, that systems of oppression and social identities are all intersecting, so they are more powerful when we study them together. She really liked the idea, but admitted to feeling embarrassed by my initial reaction. When talking about these kind of themes, we need to remember not to approach our families with arrogance like I did.

A few of my friends encountered similar situations. Nicole, a first year at Scripps, tried to explain what ‘cis’ meant to her father. He responded, “Well that’s an opinion.” Nicole told me that at first, she didn’t know what to respond. “My brain just shut off and then we got into a discussion on where something needs to be written in order to be transformed from an opinion to fact. Does it need to be the dictionary? A law? Where does it need to be within the construct of our society for it to be to be accepted as universally true?” These are all important questions to ask, ones that can be frustrating at times, but ultimately create room for dialogue and progression.

When my other friend tried to explain the difference between gender, sex, gender expression, and sexuality to her dad, he said that such “theories” need to be written down and tested by a “professional,” and that she would have to cite her sources in order to be believed. She explained to me, “I  was pretty incredulous that he needed me to prove to him that people’s life experiences and identities are legitimate. And even though it is disappointing to speak with people who don’t understand or agree with what I have learned, it does strengthen my own values and help me learn how to express myself.”

Talking about your feminist perspectives outside of the Claremont bubble can give you the chance to challenge your own theories and create new revolutionary thoughts that may have never popped into your head without exposing yourself to opposing viewpoints. As bell hooks describes in her essay Theory as Liberatory Practice, “Theory emerges from the concrete, from my efforts to make sense of everyday life experiences, from my efforts to critically intervene in my life and the lives of others.” It is this courage and confidence of putting theory in practice that will make feminist transformation possible, with some of our family members at least.

Jess is a first year at Scripps. She loves to travel, paint, explore new countries and cultures, and talk about feminism. She plans to major in Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies.