Changing Attitudes

Harvey Mudd senior Elaine Shaver reveals how a per­fectionist academic atmo­sphere and family influences indirectly led her to become a bulimic – and how she learned to respect her body.

Has the Mudd or Claremont commu­nity affected how you view your and others’ bodies?

Indirectly, I guess. Mudd in particular has a perfectionist attitude. Almost ev­ery Mudder is really, really driven. This is something you probably didn’t know about Mudd, but among the ladies, there is a high secret incidence of eat­ing disorders. We’re very stressed and perfectionistic, so it’s easy to get into the negative cycle. When I went to col­lege, I had the framework all set up to get bulimia. I was really a perfectionist. Everything had to be just so. When I got to Mudd, my stress levels went a lot higher than they had been.

What was it like having bulimia?

By the time it got to dinner I’d want to relax, so I’d turn to food as a comfort item, but because of the eating disorder, I wouldn’t allow that, so I’d start feel­ing guilty and hurt. I purged every day in tough times, but when stress would die down it would go away again. I was worried about hiding it from my suit­emates. I usually purged at night and they were late-nighters

How did purging make you feel?

After purging, I felt guilty that I’d done it again, that I was still in the cycle, but a lot better. And I didn’t like the feeling of how heavy my stomach was. I had mixed feelings.

How did you get over bulimia?

Christmas my junior year I told my best friend about it. Seeing how she reacted to it made me realize that it was actu­ally really serious, because I’d been denying to myself that it’d been a prob­lem.

How did she react?

She started crying. She made me prom­ise to go speak to someone. I went to a Mudd counselor who’s an eating-disorder specialist. I started going to her weekly. She made me identify why food was the focus of my relaxation. We found the root causes and once we understood the causes, it was a lot eas­ier to change my mental attitudes. It sounds silly, but the moment of change was when she made me realize there is no good food and bad food. Before, I used to think that eating foods like ap­ples would give me good person points, and that eating foods like pizza would give me bad person points.

Did your boyfriend at that time make you feel beautiful?

This will sound weird, but he was so subservient. There was a power imbal­ance. He was the more dependent one. When he’d tell me I was beautiful, I’d hear the words, but think ‘Well, you think so.’ He said the right things, but I didn’t really feel beautiful. Working out made me feel beautiful. During the summer I would work out everyday. I exercised to burn calories. If I was too busy to work out, it would contribute to thoughts like “I’m being so bad, I just sit all day doing homework.”

How do you know you’re 100% over bulimia?

I guess it’s gonna sound simple, but my attitude changed. I’m okay with my­self, just as I am. It’s okay to eat the pizza if I want to. Maybe tomorrow I’ll eat an apple and my body can handle it and I’ll look good. I get to enjoy having a body that can have fun, walk, and lie under the sunshine. I’ve started to talk about it some. I’ve reached the point where that was a different me. I’m a proctor and I told my girls, “Please, if you start feeling this way, come talk to me. You’re normal, not crazy. It’s something we can work through.”

Has the media played a role in your experience of bulimia?

Mom keeps Shape magazine always around the house. In my obsessive state of mind, I’d read “Good foods to eat,” or other similar articles. It would feed that part of me. My mom is a jazzercise instructor. I’m pretty sure she’s addict­ed to exercise, literally.

Have you told her about having bu­limia?

It’s not something we ever talked about. We’re not particularly close anymore. It’s something I would like to share with her. It seems like it’d be pertinent to her own life. She diets and watches calories a lot. She’s been com­plaining about fat thighs since I could talk. I was too perfectionistic to com­plain about that. I wouldn’t say to my friends, “I think my thighs are too big,” but in front of the mirror, I would say to myself, “Your thighs are looking a little big.”

What is your favorite part of your body?

I love my arms. I’m a rock climber, so I’ve got some burly arms.

Does your current boyfriend make you feel beautiful?

Absolutely. He’s been my best friend for 1 ½ years. When he said it, it just mattered more somehow. We basically lived together over the summer. He’s seen all parts of me. When he said I was beautiful, I’d have to believe it.

Do you think it was more your attitude change than your boyfriend change that helped you get over bulimia?

Absolutely my attitude change. I really think that if I’d been more accepting of myself, I wouldn’t have had that voice in the background saying, “You think I’m beautiful, but you’re just dumb.”