Relationships Defining Happiness

The elusive “hookup,” a modern term for any sexual activity without com­mitment, can cover a wide range of rela­tionships in college. There is, of course, the one-night stand, which one might think every college student will experience at some point in their four years at school. In real­ity, people have very strong opinions for and against this college convention. One Scripps sophomore explains, “I set out to talk to people. Lots of girls at parties project the image that their sole purpose is to sleep with someone that night, whether or not that’s what they truly want. I would never just hook up with someone, and therefore try my best to talk to boys where I study, in class, and when I go out. If you show them you’re not going to sleep with them off the bat, you gain their respect.”

A Scripps international student from India reflects on hookup dynamics in India versus what she has experienced in the U.S. She says, “In India, people get to know each other. They talk, whereas here, people are too afraid to get to know each other and end up losing the opportunity. Where I’m from, people talk, and while they might not necessarily be in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, there is a level of respect that is lacking in what I’ve experienced here.” In contrast, the one-time hookup is often desired as a means of sexual freedom, and power over oneself. Another Scripps student explains, “There is something seductive about being able to control your emotions. Sometimes you really don’t care whether he calls or not, but other times you can tell yourself that you’re above emotion, and therefore convince yourself that you are unattached. Some people can do it, and for others, it eventually blows up in their face.” She continues to say that her feelings towards the one-night stand depend on the situation. She says, “Yes, of course they hap­pen, usually drunkenly. If I set out for it to happen a given night, I’ll be happy if it does, especially if it’s fun. Otherwise, if it just happens and isn’t even that great, that next morning I think ‘that was needless.’ Sex with someone you don’t know is usually not even that great, but somewhat awkward. It takes time with someone for it to be enjoyable, which is why I prefer long-term hookups.”

Upon further examination, the long-term hookup proves to have its pros and cons. Unless both parties are equally attached or indifferent towards the other, the relationship will inevitably fizzle if one person wants something different out of the relationship. This is not to say a more serious relationship can never grow out of a casual one; however, this requires a mutual agreement on the outcome of the relation­ship. From talking with Claremont Colleges students of racial and sexual diversity, these long-term hookups are only fun and healthy until someone becomes attached, which is difficult to avoid, especially if sex is in­volved. Hooking up with someone regularly is in fact a working relationship that requires communication. A Scripps student reflects on her experience in a non-exclusive, year-long hookup: “From the get-go, I felt that there was potential for our hookup relation­ship to be more, but I didn’t want to be the girl waiting for him to come around, so I pushed it from my mind. I hooked up with lots of people and was able to remain fairly unattached. For a long time I did not bring anything up, and wondered if it was only fun because of the uncertainty. You read into every action – whether or not he kissed my forehead goodnight- wondering if it was real affection or simply physical. You have to fight your instincts to stay in it – you may want to call or text him to tell him some­thing funny that relates to an inside joke, but you have to fight that instinct to be­come closer in order to remain unattached. Normally, you work to see a relationship progress or go somewhere, but the art of the hookup is for it to remain static, and after a time, this becomes tiresome and against the nature of intimacy, which is why someone cracks.” Upon further reflection, she said, “I feel I learned to appreciate a relationship for what it is. You don’t have to be exclusive to have something special with a person. In retrospect, he may not have been Prince Charming, but I enjoyed the time we spent together. It was fun while it was healthy, and I do feel I had a significant relationship with the person. At the very least, he filled what could have been a void, and now I’m ready for something new.” The fate of a hookup simply comes down to chemistry, whether it be physical or emotional, and if the former, it has the potential to become something more if both parties so wish.

Aside from the “hookup” culture at the 5C’s, exclusive and long-term relation­ships are prevalent, and sometimes begin after a one-night encounter. One Scripps student explains, “it’s sort of backwards… normally, you date someone in order to eventually sleep with them, but in college, sometimes you sleep with them to eventu­ally date. It’s not what you should hope for, but it happens.” Others take the more conventional approach of slowly getting to know a person – texting, hanging out or dating, and then eventually deciding what you want from the relationship. The search for a relationship can be stressful enough to cause people to abstain from dating all together. One Scripps sophomore says, “I simply don’t date. Now is the time for me to focus on myself, and not the time to get wrapped up in someone I don’t have a future with.” Another student argues, “I want to date as many people as possible in order to figure out what I will eventually look for in a husband. Granted, not every­one is looking to get married some day, but you realize things about yourself through each person you meet.” Some seem less focused on finding someone in college to eventually marry than those in past generations, but consider now the time to test their compatibility with lots of differ­ent people to learn more about themselves in order to ultimately be in a long-term relationship. However, some relationships started in college do extend well beyond college and some even result in marriage.

Ultimately, most students agree that everything happens for a reason, and you learn from every relationship. If you’re not happy with whatever relationship you’re in, end it. The best advice given by students is to not settle for a situation with which you’re unhappy. Be honest with yourself and do not apologize for whatever it is you want. The worst thing to do is to settle, because you take away the oppor­tunity to meet someone better for you. Most importantly, be happy with your­self no matter your relationship status, and always expect the unexpected. The atmosphere of college allows the tides to change very quickly, and with that, you are bound to find what you are looking for.

by Emily Hanna