Pantless in Claremont

About a month ago I came to a realization: I had no pants. Other than a pair of plaid skinny jeans I’d begged my mother to get me in 11th grade, none of my pants fit. I’d just been wearing my girlfriend’s jeans on the days when I didn’t drape my legs in plaid. So I resolved to buy some more. While waiting for my paycheck, I decided to scour the Internet (in the absence of personal transportation) for new threads.

I have to admit, I have a bit of a complex when it comes to buying clothes. For one, there’s the whole money thing and the fact that I have to spend it. I also have a reluctance to spend more than $25 on any one item, which is becoming increasingly difficult as my body matures and I have to shop for real people clothing in Women’s as opposed to Junior’s sizes. Once I come to terms with the fact that less than $60 for a pair of pants is supposed to be a good deal, I have to find something that I actually like–– preferably for around $30. The hardest part is finding apparel that’s unique and matches my personal aesthetic, which can be tricky when I have to factor in my gender presentation.

My relationship with femininity has a certain hate-love-why-won’t-you-leave-me-alone??? quality. At times, I feel pressure to be “cute” in the way that everyone else is––from high-waisted bottoms (which do tend to fit me better) to crop tops to heels to bralettes to whatever the current feminine cut is the trend. Then I get sad because I know I will never be that. I don’t have that sort of effortlessly bold and modern femininity that you see around the campuses. When I do present more with more femininity–– whether it’s a tight, noir-worthy curve-hugger of a dress or a long, comfy maxi–– I feel exposed. The assumptions about my femininity and by extension my strength seem to linger in every glance or gaze.

When it comes to pants, it’s far easier to find a neutral in regards to the masculine-feminine spectrum. But- I also like tight, high-waisted cuts. Part of the appeal is that I don’t have to worry about a low waist that doesn’t take into account my butt-to-waist ratio, and part of it is that a sleek pair of black legs is incredibly fierce. But then I have to ask, is this pair too girly? Will I have a complex putting these on? If I go for a less “feminine” option, will they be interesting enough for me to feel like myself?

While I was initially only going to buy one pair of pants to tide me over until I saved a little more money and got the chance to go to a mall, I ended up buying two pairs (mostly for free shipping). What type of pants I bought–– and how tight or feminine or how effectively they shun or mimic gender convention–– isn’t as important as how they make me feel. After a bit of a struggle and several bouts of indecisiveness, I finally realized that I can never go wrong with a couple pairs of snug, black, high-waisted pants.