“I don’t want to marry someone if I don’t have a job first!” Doesn’t sound like something that a 5 year old would say, does it? Believe or not, this statement was a little 5 year old girl’s claim to fame on YouTube. She strongly proclaims that she isn’t going to marry someone unless she has a job, even if the man “comes running out” asking her to marry him.
If you haven’t already seen this video, be sure to check it out here. (It’s only 46 seconds!)
“If he says ‘I will not come back to you’, FINE! I’ll find a different man. This is my life!” She strongly believes that her future husband should support her career because that is the most important thing to her. And, if he doesn’t accept that her career comes first, she will simply find someone else. Easy, right?
There are millions of cute videos on YouTube, why did this one in particular get over 5 million views? I think because the topic of career vs. relationship hits home to a lot of people. It certainly made me think. Especially at Scripps, we are in a constant dialogue about the balance between work and family/romantic relationships. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve filled out surveys asking questions like “If your husband got a new job, would you be willing to move for him?” or “Do you agree that it is a woman’s job to stay at home to care for the children?” Ultimately, I feel like we’re all secretly being pushed to select the “right” answer. At Scripps, you better not say you think that it is the woman’s sole responsibility to care for the children. You better not say that a man should earn more than a woman. You better not say that a woman should give up her career for a man. Because those are the “wrong answers”…at least in my mind.
It feels like we’re forced to have strong opinions about these topics. It’s like there is a bellowing voice saying “Attention all Scrippsies: you must be able to articulate your thoughts on the work-family balance…or else!” But…what if I can’t? While writing this post, I actually had a very hard time formulating any firm thoughts about the work-family balance. Sure, there are some things I’m sure about: not once have I ever thought that I would have to choose “relationship” vs. “career.” While I believe that both relationships and careers take significant time and energy, by no means do I think that a choice is in order. But isn’t it so much more complicated than that? Yet that makes me feel inadequate because I really don’t know how to express any coherent thoughts about it. I have to trust that when I’m faced with a real-life situation about balancing my career and relationships, I will be able to make the decision that feels right for me in that moment. But I can’t say “this is how it is” for everyone or in all situations.
What do you think about having a job before getting married? Is that important to you? Do you know anyone who believes that having a job is not as important as being married?
Oh my gosh, I have SO much to say on this topic. I met my fiance while in the process of applying to law school, and six months into our relationship, he lost his job. We found ourselves thrown into a very complex situation regarding job versus relationship at age 23. It was not pretty. I was applying to law schools across the country, and (because it was fall 2008) he was ready to take any job he was offered – regardless of where it was. We were both living in NYC at the time, and he had few job prospects in his field in the city.
Ultimately, we decided to both go to grad school in NYC, to allow our fledgling relationship to continue. There were a lot of compromises made on both sides, but it ultimately brought us closer together. One of the biggest issues for us was how we balance our desires for furthering our careers with our desires to stay together. I think this depends almost entirely on the couple. After a few years in the working world, I felt very strongly that I wanted a degree that would allow me the greatest flexibility in terms of work-family balance. I anticipate having children, and plan to stay home with them, but a law degree gives me options of part time work that would suit my schedule, whatever that might be. My fiance works in a field that is very specific and difficult to break into. Because I love him, value my relationship with him, and am willing to compromise, his career gets priority. This doesn’t mean that my career goals are negated, but that I know that I will probably never be a CEO or join the Peace Corps, or get a PhD, and I’m ok with that. It also means that a lot of the responsibilities we have as “adults” – making our household run, paying bills, keeping track of the chores we need to do and distributing them between the two of us based on the time we have to contribute (as equally as possible) – fall onto my shoulders. But again, that works for us.
Don’t get me wrong, though, these questions come up no matter what. For example, I graduate law school in May 2012, and we will be living in NYC for the foreseeable future, because my fiancé has a fantastic job here. However, neither of us wants to raise our future family in New York, but we don’t know where we will end up. Where do I take the bar exam? If I take New York, I have to work for four years to get reciprocity to any number of other states. My fiance’s field is rooted in Silicon Valley, CA – one of the few states with no reciprocity. That means I would have to retake the bar, something I have been adamant that I do NOT want to do, or we would have to move somewhere with reciprocity, at the expense of my fiance’s career. We are both leery of making a move just to be convenient for me since I am not 100% sure I want to practice law, and I am not sure I will have as many options if I forego retaking the bar. Plus, the California bar is HARD: there is a low passage rate, and I would have to take an expensive review course for 3 months for admission into a bar that neither of us knows I will use. Time will tell what we should do, and we just do not have enough information to make those decisions at this point. I will likely end up having to make a sacrifice on my career – either by retaking the bar or not gaining CA bar admission. I feel comfortable not knowing what will happen, because we will make that decision as a couple. It is far more important for me to stay in a relationship with the person I plan to marry than to leave because of the possibility that I will lose career footing.
I think it’s very easy to say that your career takes priority when you are in your early 20s and/or looking for a job to begin your career path – and it should. If you want to work in life, you need to gain experience, and to move up the career ladder requires a good amount of focus on that as a major priority. But when you meet someone with whom there is a mutual respect and willingness to discuss and compromise your individual perspectives on things like career goals, child-rearing, and lifestyle goals (do you want to have a vacation home, or travel extensively, or have children? Live in an expensive city? Are your fields particularly limited to large urban areas or are they easily accessible in any location?), it becomes harder to pick up and leave this person with whom you are laying down bricks for a life path together. The critical juncture is to figure out what YOU yourself want from your life. If you have a long-term goal, such as becoming a doctor, or firm partner, or professor, then you need a spouse who is willing to sacrifice in order for you to reach those goals. If you are (like me) someone who is forever changing their life plan but always HAS to have a plan, relax. It will never go as planned, and sometimes that makes it more fun – but the sooner you accept that, the more you will appreciate the opportunities that come your way. And sometimes that includes a person who may be your future spouse, where you find yourself living a completely different life trajectory than you had ever imagined – and loving every minute of it.
Also, the point of a career is to find something to do that you enjoy, and feel relatively gratified at the end of the day at having accomplished. My fiancé LOVES what he does. I wax and wane about my enthusiasm towards my career path. However, I love that he is so happy in his career, and find his work exciting, so I take a good deal of enjoyment in providing a space where he can really give his all each day at his job. I have also found a number of things in my day-to-day life from which I take fulfillment (for example, writing ridiculously long, introspective blog responses) to avoid the either/or dichotomy of gaining my identity and sense of fulfillment from just my career or my relationship.
To share another point of view, about ten years ago, my cousin’s and her long time boyfriend went to grad school together. When they were graduating they both had pretty good job offers in different places. He approached her about marriage and asked her to give up her job to move in with him. This made her realize that he didn’t appreciate how passionate she was about her chosen career. However, her next boyfriend, who she married the summer before last, did. When my cousin got a great job offer across the country, he took a pay cut and reduced responsibilities at his work, so that he could continue working for them long distance and go with her. So you see, it can go both ways.
I think the point isn’t that there is any relationship/work balance that is universally right for everyone. The right balance between relationships and work and the right types of relationships for you are the ones that make you happy. While that seems simple, it’s not at all. Incidentally this same cousin recently gave up looking for a job in the filed that she was so passionate, in favor of a higher paying job, so that she and her husband could buy a house. What makes you happy is likely to change over time. This is why I think trusting that you will be able to make the decision that feels right for you, instead of limiting yourself to some arbitrary standard one way or the other, is a wise approach.