For all of you seniors out there, you know the life after Scripps questions start way before senior year even starts. I, of course, began to field these questions all summer and in the calmest way possible. However, multiple times I have gotten a suggestion that I find shocking and, quite frankly, offensive. It all started with me discussing where I would like to live after graduation. One of my biggest concerns is being able to live a lifestyle that I am comfortable in, and can afford. I was telling a family friend that I would consider moving to a smaller city for the first few years to save up money. The response I got to what I considered to be a responsible and well thought out plan was, “Why don’t you just marry someone rich and then you won’t have to worry about that.” My jaw literally dropped, and I am pretty sure everyone at the table could see smoke coming out of my ears. As calmly as possible, I responded that I felt that I did not need someone to support me and was confident enough in myself to believe I could make it on my own. Now don’t get me wrong, I would love to be married one day, but I don’t believe that I must do it in order to succeed. Nor do I plan on getting married and then sitting around my house eating bon bons. This isn’t the 1950’s after all.
Now I wish I could tell you that this was the only time I heard this comment. And I wish I could tell you that because this man was of an older generation, that he was set back in his ways. However, I also received a version of this comment from a good friend of mine. I was talking about shoes of all things, and his comment was “You better marry someone rich so you can afford these things.” My response, “Why would I need to marry someone rich to afford these things, cannot I not make money for myself?” I got a mumble of I don’t know and a change of conversation.
Of course these comments have sat with me all summer, and still linger into the fall. What about me screams that I don’t want to get a job, and start what I hope will be a successful career path? Is it the fact that I have chosen to major in Art? Is it that I worked at Kleinfeld Bridal this summer? Is is because I attend an all women’s college? Or is it simply because I am a female?
I am still not really sure the answer to any of these questions. I have struggled with the idea that I could have worked so hard at Scripps, had so many internships, been so involved still to have people expect so little of me. However, these comments have fueled me further in my pursuit of a phenomenal job. Nothing would make me happier than to show the world that yes I am an art major, and yes I have worked at Kleinfeld and yes I went to a women’s college, and yes I am a female, but check me out, and my fantastic job that I worked so hard for.
I would love to know if any of you have had this same thing happen to you. Leave a comment if so, or really if this concept makes you as mad as it did me.
Thata is pretty funny. I can’t believe people are still saying that in this day and age. Why not just say, “You better get a job that makes a lot of money?”
I was told that a lot when I was growing up because I wanted to be a writer. But instead, I married a guy who was enlisted in the Army because that’s who I fell in love with. I guess if I were more of a gold-digger, I could have blown him off. I had faith that he’d do well, and he had faith in my writing. (Like you, though, I majored in art!)
These people aren’t taking into account are how much character you build by working up from nothing. If I’d married someone rich, I might not have worried as much, but I wouldn’t have the varied life experience or deep appreciation for what I have now. And I probably would not have been as motivated to keep working on my writing until I got published.
My guess is they’re just worried about you because you’re an art major and they think you’ll be a starving artist, not that you have no ability. Also, they really just don’t know what the heck they’re talking about. You sound like you have a good plan, married or not.
I’ve definitely got comments like this before, and no, they don’t end after graduation. I’m kind of expecting to hear similar things for the rest of my life, partly because I went to Scripps, partly because I’m female, and partly for other reasons. It’s super upsetting that there are still people (men and women alike) who don’t see education and hard work as an option.
I think the best response is similar to what you did – ask them point-blank why they believe that dependency is the best (or only?) solution. It’ll take them by surprise and they may react poorly or get defensive but it will hopefully make them rethink what they said. Just be careful about getting defensive yourself; you don’t want to start an altercation, just make your point.
I’ve also heard these before and they make me furious! This summer, now that I have a boyfriend and as I also prepared for senior year I got a new one. Whenever I talk about plans for next year I get the question, “well what about your boyfriend?” The first time I heard this it just didn’t compute. I wanted to say something like, “well he graduated a few years ago and now has a job he likes, so I think his post college plans are on their way.”
It took me awhile to realize that they somehow expected MY future plans for MY life and career to some how depend on him, where he was and what he was doing. If he were my husband or fiance or boyfriend of several years that logic might make some sense. However, we have only been together a few months and everyone who has asked me the “what about your boyfriend” question knows this. The comment that made me most angry was, after I pointed out that we’ve talked about the fact that I’m not sure where I’m going after college, and one woman responded with “well at least he knows.” It’s just crazy! Like somehow being with a man should preclude any other plans I may have.
Thankfully in my case I can say that, so far, I’ve only heard this from older generations. To his credit, my boyfriend is just as floored by these comments as I am.
I don’t know what the implications are of working at Klenfield (nor had I heard of it), but of the options you mentioned, I’d guess it has to do with the major. I know many females in more specifically tailored pre-professional majors (pre-law, pre-med, business-related subjects) who don’t get that question. While this makes it no less annoying, I am largely convinced that in this day and age, it has more to do with major than gender/sex. Case in point, male humanities majors are also faced with nosy questions about jobs.
I would wager, though, that male humanities majors are not often subject to comments about marrying rich.
I majored in English at Scripps and not once did anyone I know suggest that I marry rich, even in jest. That is due to a combination, I think, of the sort of friends I had, class, and the fact that I have an ambiguous enough gender presentation that it seems obvious that I will not be marrying a man, wealthy or otherwise. Point being: it is definitely about gender (or perceived gender role) as well as major.
There is definitely a sector of the population that thinks humanities are a joke, but that is complicated by gender. I think what Lili was getting at with her list and this post is that it is a complicated mix of factors, not just one. All humanities majors (myself included) have been on the receiving end of “…and what are you going to do with that?” but women tend to receive the majority of the “marry rich” addenda. Point being, yes, nosy and sceptical questions and proddings are nearly universal, but the form the nosy questions and proddings take for women also include unwelcome marital advice.
Sadly, it’s a sterotype. Even sadder, it’s still there because it has some truth to it. As an alumna coming up on her 20 year reunion, I look at my classmates and find that not many of them are in the full-time workforce and very few of them have what those of us in the business world would consider a dedicated professional career path.
Just look at some anecdotal numbers: LinkedIn, which is the online professional networking social network for the business world, has only 2146 Scripps women registered. If each class for the last 30 years graduated an average of 200 women, that means that only 1/3 of them are actively engaging in professional online networking.
And of that 2146, only 587 of them have 10 or more years of experience. We ask ourselves, Where is my female professional mentor? Where is my senior level alumna who can help me find a job? Where? Not there.
The bottom line is that they are not in the workforce – for one reason or another, they dropped out. Many of them did so to raise families and could afford to do so because… their husband/partner made enough money to support the family.
This is not just a Scripps issue, of course. We can’t change the ratio in Congress, in the boardroom or in the executive suite if we aren’t there. The absence is noted and it comes back to haunt us, in nasty comments and stereotypes.