If I can’t tell it’s midterm season from the plethora of approaching assignments lined up in my planner, I have another surefire way of knowing. I spontaneously begin losing things left and right.

First it was the laundry I had left out to dry in the laundry room, next it was my headphones.

It feels a little bit like the more I try to stuff into my brain and my schedule, the less room there is for me to remember the little things in my life. According to this Huffington Post article, stress isn’t just making me forget where I’ve put everything that isn’t attached to my head, it’s also shrinking my brain. I’m more than a little bummed to hear that my noggin has been making me feel stressed for trying to get work done and rewarding me with less brain power in the process.

I had just worked out the perfect schedule to get all of my work done on time, get enough sleep, even go to the gym a couple times a week. But suddenly, the frequent all-caps reminders in my agenda started to appear more urgent.

To tell myself that I was getting work done, I would methodically go through every assignment – read 100 pages of this for Core III, 50 pages of that for Sociology, the 3 articles for French – that is until I got to the item in all caps at the bottom, “WORK ON PAPER DUE MONDAY.” A sudden wave of sleepiness and anxiety would wash over me and I assured myself, “I’ll do it tomorrow” as I again wrote “WORK ON PAPER – SERIOUSLY” in the next day of my planner. Instead, I got extra reading done for my other classes, completed extra credit, finished less stressful homework that wasn’t due for the following week.

It was already the weekend and my outline was barely finished. I ditched plans and even skipped a networking event that I had been truly looking forward to attending. Worse, I completely forgot to let anyone know that I wouldn’t be able to make it – being completely disrespectful and disappointing to those who I had promised I would attend.

I curled up in every possible study spot I could think of, from the Toll browsing room to the Writing Center and Jacqua Quad, and yet my analysis remained half-cooked and disjointed. No matter how many Motley matcha-chachas I treated myself to, none solicited the sustenance to bring the big “Aha!” moment to my paper. I poured over quotes and called on friends, but nothing seemed to help. As the hours to the deadline loomed nearer and my clarity did not, I tried my best to stitch together a paper that I was not proud of.

Somewhere along the progression of my stressed out self, I forgot that this paper was not the only measurement of my value or validity as a person. Despite the many friends over the past week that reminded me, “You aren’t defined by this paper!” the knowledge that these seven pages were worth a quarter of my grade eclipsed their remarks.

At the end of the day, I turned in a paper I was not entirely proud of. And while I know I am not defined by this paper, I am still disappointed in myself for letting my lack of time-management get the best of me, for struggling so much with an assignment, for shirking friends, and for ignoring commitments I had made to others.

As I reach the end of this midterm season, I can only hold myself accountable to remember that telling myself I am ‘ahead’ in everything else does not have any bearing on the progress of my paper. Just because I am stressed over one assignment does not give me any excuse to ignore the rest of the world. But similarly, I also need to remember that a paper is just a paper. It should not feel like it will desecrate my entire being if I cannot execute it perfectly.
Hopefully, releasing the burden of this paper let my brain grow back to its normal size and I will remember this moment before my next paper is due.