Proud to be a Self-Designed Writing Major.

Ever since deciding to become a self-designed writing major, I’ve dealt with skepticism on occasion from friends, family members, and acquaintances. Aren’t you afraid you won’t be successful? You can’t beat J.K. Rowling, that’s impossible! What’s your backup plan? That’s reassuring.

In the past, I’ve politely been able to deal with such statements with a smile, and an explanation of how I am interested in journalism, publishing, or maybe even being an author some day. (Gasp! The horror!)

I have no doubts; I’m happy to be following my passion for writing. I hope everyone can follow his or her passion. I don’t want to follow my backup plan. I did not, however, expect this same skepticism to come from my own college. But, when I received a letter stating that my proposal for my self-designed Creative Non-Fiction Writing major had been rejected, this is precisely what happened.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, talks about doubts that others have about writers in her TED Talk “Your elusive creative genius.” She describes how when she told people she wanted to be a writer, she was met with the same skepticism. She further explains how after writing Eat, Pray, Love, which later was turned into a movie, she was met with even more doubt from others about her ability to write additional successful works in the future. She asks an important question in her talk:

“What is it specifically about creative ventures, that seems to make us really nervous about each other’s mental health, in a way that other careers kinda don’t do?”

The question is part joke, part truth. She makes the valid point that we tend to only cast doubt on creative careers, rather than careers based in mathematical or scientific fields, like chemical engineers. And yet, everyone has the potential to be successful or to fail. So why do we believe that all writers, or other creative individuals, are doomed to fail?

Meg Cabot, who wrote The Princess Diaries, which later became one of my favorite childhood films, gives advice to aspiring writers on her website. Some of it isn’t all that encouraging. She writes:

“Don’t tell people you want to be a writer. Everyone will try to talk you out of choosing a job with so little security, so it is better just to keep it to yourself, and prove them all wrong later.”

The saddest part is, I know this to be true.

But back to my self-designed Creative Non-Fiction Writing major: at first I was shocked to find out that my proposal had been rejected, and began to have some doubts about my own future. I know writing is what I want to study, but to have my proposal rejected definitely wounded my own self-confidence. After meeting with my adviser, however, I quickly regained this confidence. I know what my passions are, and I know that I will follow them. Sometimes obstacles can show up, like a rejection to an initial proposal. But these can be overcome; I will resubmit an improved proposal, with some changes and additions. So, what have I learned? Never give up on the things you believe in most. I know myself better than anyone else, so why doubt myself just because others do? I am proud to be a writer.

 

“What have I done?”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought this in the last six months.

Is this the only path?

The first was when I learned I had been awarded the Fulbright. A moment that I expected would have been joyous, was actually a mix of relief (that the wait was over) and terror. At a time where most of my peers were still figuring out their post-grad plans, I now had the next year laid out in front me. On March 26, 2012, I was in the same, confused boat as everyone else, and at Scripps that boat is more like a luxurious cruise ship of confusion. By March 27, 2012, I was in a boat of my own. Sure, my dinghy-for-one had a heading, but I really missed the company.

It can be difficult to talk about job opportunities with friends senior year, particularly if they haven’t been offered anything, and even more so if you’ve been offered an opportunity for which they’ve been rejected. Still, I had thoughts and questions to wrestle with, starting with “what have I done?”

I don’t plan on being a teacher. I’m not even sure that I enjoy kids. Actually, I’m fairly certain I don’t enjoy most kids, but you can’t say that sort of thing without sounding heartless. Did I really want to be an English Teaching Assistant? Maybe I got caught up in the Scripps Fulbright frenzy. Maybe I just needed to “win” something to prove my worth. I’d experienced so many lonely moments in Denmark, did I really want to go abroad for a full year? And what about my long-term boyfriend, who I would be leaving behind? I re-read my Statement of Grant Purpose and Personal Statement, regained my confidence and accepted the offer, but these doubts and anxieties did not disappear.

Taking a Fulbright felt very much like walking into the woods without using the buddy system…

They resurged with a vengeance at the airport. I was a crying, snot-faced mess at the gate of my plane, and seriously considered not boarding and wiring Fulbright their money back. “What have I done?” In addition to the doubts about my professional capabilities and trajectory, I was overwhelmed with leaving my boyfriend. After four years of taking those Scripps psychology surveys that ask you context-less questions pitting careers and relationships against each other, I was living out that dilemma. And it hurt.

Now that I’m here, I’m still not sure what I’ve done. I don’t know how to teach. I don’t speak the language. I could be eating my favorite pumpkin bagel with pumpkin cheesecake cream cheese back in the beautifully autumnal Pacific Northwest right now. I could be furnishing an apartment that I plan to live in for more than nine months, or going to my friends’ engagement parties. I could be living somewhere with a Taco Bell right now, for goodness sake!

…but a walk in the woods has its rewards!

But I’m not. I’m on an adventure that requires me to take one step at a time. It’s one that I am ready for, whether I think so or not, and sometimes I need to take time out to remind myself of my strengths. I’m a “Strong Scripps Woman.” I’m good at mentoring, public speaking, recognizing and navigating cultural differences. I work well with a team. I have a good sense of direction.

And sometimes, I can write.