So, I have to be honest with you…mostly because I don’t want the foundation of our long-lasting relationship to be based on a lie. I mean, what kind of future would we have if that was how we started off? Bound to fail. That is what we would be, and I’m just not willing to take that risk. I tend to emotionally invest myself in whatever I am involved in whether it be relationships, activities or options for my future. This Achilles heel is my real reason for spilling. Now that you know my greatest strength that is simultaneously my greatest weakness, I think we should step back for a second.

My name is Shailini Pandya. Former overachiever, unrealistic goal-setter, and anxious student of Scripps College for women. I think that last sentence was mostly fueled by the fact I’m running on somewhere between 3.5-4 hours of sleep and currently sitting in an environment that only a polar bear would be comfortable in. I envy the little crying baby sitting two rows ahead of me…At least he gets to be coddled. My music is off and all items are stored under the seatback in front of me. In moments, I will be on my way to Madrid, Spain. Crazy right? But that’s just one of the many perks of going to a liberal arts college like Scripps. Study abroad has always been a “given” for me, and a number of my classmates. Being a dual psychology and economics major, this journey won’t do much to bulk up the transcript, but some experiences are just not worth passing up. So here I go with 2 bags, 1 massive carry-on and 1 personal item to begin my junior year.

For many college students, my 4 hours of sleep calls for no sympathy, but you must remember my context: summer. However, my spring semester was less accommodating for my need of beauty rest as I looked to firm up my summer plans. Internships, fellowships, jobs and diner tips were the words at the tip of every student’s tongue during Spring semester. There I was in April still with no idea what I was going to do. Options were endless it seemed, but when reality set in, I found my sentiments to be quite the contrary. After what seemed like months of hunting for the perfect fit, I was starting to feel an itty-bitty twist in my stomach that soon grew into an all-consuming knot. What was causing this terrible feeling that kept me from getting some good shut eye?

Caution: Confession ahead. For the record, I would never admit this in public. Brace yourself – it’s fear. F. E. A. R. Sounds simple right? Everyone encounters the big bad wolf of fear at some point, so it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I wish it were that easy to reason out. To quote a strong female leader who has been quoted a dozen times before, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” Unfortunately, I am not as optimistic as dear Ms. Roosevelt. Fear has always been the giant t-rex in the room (elephant doesn’t do the situation justice). I internalize it mentally, psychologically and physically. However, I’ve found that fear is not the problem. It’s the resulting factor that can cause the most damage. For example, once I take interest in a certain opportunity, I am consumed, dominated and utterly obsessed with it to the point that it could be classified as an unhealthy disease. For this reason, I fear the pursuit of opportunities due to fear of rejection, fear of failure, oh the list goes on.

Now that we have diagnosed the problem, the solution isn’t much clearer. Coming from a college with so many brilliant minds, failure never seems to be the topic of conversation. One Davis Project for Peace, one Fulbright, a Watson and a Strauss were awarded among many other awards to outstanding students last year. Good thing THAT’S not intimidating. On the contrary, it invokes that t-rex in me. It’s not often that you hear a Scripps student chatting about their last “D” in Macroeconomics as if they are describing their favorite Disney movie. Failure is discretely dismissed. In fact, success is personified by a number of students here.

So like I said, there I was in April. Unhappy. FANTASTIC…

To skip to the end (something I wish I could do pretty often), I made it through alive 3 months later. A bit more broke then expected, but a great deal more knowledgeable. However, that’s only half the truth. I admit I feel more knowledgeable in a select few areas, but more confused in the majority of others. I constantly think “what am I meant to do” as I watch people with their perfectly outlined futures stroll by. Attending a liberal arts college has given me the opportunity to explore numerous breadths of knowledge with no strings attached. Meaning, many of our general education requirements help us explore subjects simply for the pursuit of knowledge. Since when did that concept stop applying to the job search? Remember the good ole days of baseball players and ballerinas when the only requirement for a potential profession was passion. I know that I left that concept behind long ago when life started to become complicated. I’ve never known exactly where I was going. All I knew was that wherever I go, it is going to be AWESOME. Teacher, vet, psychologist, dog walker. It really didn’t matter. I was going to conquer. That dream was quickly muddled by reality.

I’ve now made my way through options A, B, C and made it back to square one. However, not all is lost. After a summer of new experiences, and a fall full of adventures to come, I’ve realized that though complications don’t make our decisions easy, passion is the one unwavering detail that provides me with opportunities. For me personally, passion translates into potential which then automatically turns into action. I know it’s pounded into our heads by idealistic thinkers, but I believe more than ever before that passion should be the guide to a career. Easier said than done I admit, but some experiences are just not worth passing up. If there is one thing that I have learned over the past two years, it is that going to a college like Scripps reminds us that nothing is truly out of the realm of possibilities until you put it there.

So here’s my confession, full of passion, just for you. This semester promises to be full of emotional twists, and sudden turns, but that’s what this journey is about.