Dear _________,

My name is Julia. I am qualified for some stuff, and I am a nice girl. I want a job.

I don’t know what else to put in this cover letter, because I covered all of my experiences in my resume. So I guess I’ll just talk more about them here?

Well, I was a blogger for CP&R at Scripps. Since, in the description you posted on the Gateway about this position, you wanted someone who is detail-oriented and able to communicate, I guess that this job helped me in those things.

I also have another job on campus. It has also taught me to communicate well and made me pay attention to details. Gave me the quality of paying attention to details? It taught me to communicate well and also taught me to be detail oriented?

(…Maybe none of my work has taught me to communicate well, because this cover letter is not going so well right now.)

I am also a reliable, organized person. I am always on time, and if someone texts me I will promptly respond. I am also a good friend, and if my friends get sick, I will bring them tea or hold their hair back if they need to throw up. And I am organized because if more than one friend is sick, I can perform all these duties without neglecting the other. I think your organization can benefit from that kind of work ethic.

Thank you for this opportunity. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Julia

Why is writing a cover letter so hard? You have to talk about why you want the job, convince your potential future employees of why you’re good for the job, talk about how your past work makes you best for the job, and not sound like a total idiot. Oh, and you have to do all this in one page.  I am so, so bad at this. Even if people tell me what to write, giving me nice advice like “oh, instead of talking about this here, mention how you’ve done this” or “maybe this isn’t the right way to phrase it, maybe you should say this” I still end up sounding like a moron. Obviously my cover letter above is ludicrous and over-the-top, but my actual letters end up embarrassingly similar (minus the sickly friends, of course.)

I don’t have any answers to you in this column. I just want you to know that if you’re writing a cover letter and struggling, girl, mine is not cute either. And you know what? I’m sure nobody writes a good CL. They’re probably just so that the employer knows that you want the job enough to struggle through the hellish swamp that is writing one of these. I’m on to you, employers.

Bis später,

Julia