I dislike having to confront emotional conflict. Problems like drama between friends are definitely not my favorite things to deal with. Bring on the logical conflict and debate, but when it comes to social politics or grudges I’m out of my element.

Part of this is that I honestly try to avoid conflict for myself. I’m more of the forgive and forget type rather than a woman who will hold a grudge. I’d much rather keep moving along happily, apologies accepted and given as needed in more of the peacemaker/diplomat opinion.

I do have a tendency to over-apologize to bring back peace (though I’m not sure that’s necessarily a bad thing), and I often overcompensate to distract from awkward situations. I’m not the passive aggressive sort; I would much rather be direct about my feelings if I have them, but I aim not to be in conflict at all.

However, a little bit of conflict is not bad. It’s reasonable not to be okay with things that are happening, or to not want to forgive someone if they’ve hurt you. What’s not always rational is trying to let everything go.

I’ve always been a self-advocate; if I have needs, I address them, I’m assertive, and I’m not afraid to ask questions (especially if it’s school related). Shifting this self advocacy into the social sphere is harder. I don’t want to seem like I’m overreacting to situations if I act decisively about something that bothers me.

For fear of being the cause of drama, I’ve skated over things that I was upset about. In favor of not hurting others’ feelings, I’ve ignored my own.

The most prominent example with this was my experience with a former friend group. I consistently felt excluded and used. After a while, I broke from those friends quietly, feeling uncomfortable with confronting the problem directly.

It wasn’t until a year or so later that I finally felt comfortable enough to talk to one of the people I had distanced myself from about what had happened, and it is an understatement to say that it was a relief. All of the questions, frustrations, and doubt that I had kept to myself had found an outlet, and the loose ends were tied.

Was it worth the wait? Yes, but next time I’d rather be direct in the first place. Internalizing the conflict to keep the peace worked, but I think confronting the situation would have made things much easier. It’s something that I have recognized, and I’m making note of.

A friend once told me “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” She has a point. As much as it’s important to keep the peace, it’s also just as important to advocate for yourself and to acknowledge when when to address conflict, whether at home, between friends, or in the workplace. No matter what, it’s important to be respectful. Conflict comes up everywhere, but it’s up to your own discretion to decide what you aren’t willing to let go. 

As for myself, I’m working on being okay with confronting interpersonal conflict. It’s not on my list of favorite things to do, but I’ve improved on speaking up for myself in that regard since high school. It’s an almost required skill for whatever I plan to do, so I’m aiming to be prepared.