After just a handful of days in Spain, it is suddenly clear why Europeans live the good life.  Siesta; need I say more? (For all of those who haven’t had the chance to experience this integral part of Spanish culture, Siesta is a two-three hour nap following lunch everyday and just about the best thing since Nutella.) It seems like the entire city stops at 2 pm to soak in some summer sun and fill hungry stomachs full of delicious treasures. Paradise suddenly has a completely new meaning.

Unfortunately, I sat in bed today unable to indulge in this important Spanish tradition. A valid cultural experience actually. Instead of following suit, I tossed and turned vigorously for almost two hours straight before tossing the sheets aside to accept defeat. It was as if my mind would not accept the lifebuoy of relaxation in the middle of the day. A flood of thoughts stood in the way of me and sweet “z’s”: what time is it? When am I going to do that ever-expanding load of laundry? Was that green thing at lunch today? That was just the first 10 seconds of my failed R&R time, by the way.

I literally laid there feeling guilty for wasting crucial, potentially productive time. Thanks a lot United States…You can deny it all you want, but every European will tell you that Americans are a tad bit crazy. Work all day and think about work all night until it becomes an endless cycle. My program director put this concept into words quite eloquently, “Los espanoles trabajan para vivir, pero los americanos viven para trabajar.” Translation: The Spanish work to live, but Americans live to work. This concept is in our blood. Our phenomenal country is based upon the American dream, which believes that each individual can essentially “make it,” with the proper combination of hard work and diligence. So that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach was reminding me that I still had a long way to go before I was allowed the pleasure of relaxation.

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So, I have to be honest with you…mostly because I don’t want the foundation of our long-lasting relationship to be based on a lie. I mean, what kind of future would we have if that was how we started off? Bound to fail. That is what we would be, and I’m just not willing to take that risk. I tend to emotionally invest myself in whatever I am involved in whether it be relationships, activities or options for my future. This Achilles heel is my real reason for spilling. Now that you know my greatest strength that is simultaneously my greatest weakness, I think we should step back for a second.

My name is Shailini Pandya. Former overachiever, unrealistic goal-setter, and anxious student of Scripps College for women. I think that last sentence was mostly fueled by the fact I’m running on somewhere between 3.5-4 hours of sleep and currently sitting in an environment that only a polar bear would be comfortable in. I envy the little crying baby sitting two rows ahead of me…At least he gets to be coddled. My music is off and all items are stored under the seatback in front of me. In moments, I will be on my way to Madrid, Spain. Crazy right? But that’s just one of the many perks of going to a liberal arts college like Scripps. Study abroad has always been a “given” for me, and a number of my classmates. Being a dual psychology and economics major, this journey won’t do much to bulk up the transcript, but some experiences are just not worth passing up. So here I go with 2 bags, 1 massive carry-on and 1 personal item to begin my junior year.

For many college students, my 4 hours of sleep calls for no sympathy, but you must remember my context: summer. However, my spring semester was less accommodating for my need of beauty rest as I looked to firm up my summer plans. Internships, fellowships, jobs and diner tips were the words at the tip of every student’s tongue during Spring semester. There I was in April still with no idea what I was going to do. Options were endless it seemed, but when reality set in, I found my sentiments to be quite the contrary. After what seemed like months of hunting for the perfect fit, I was starting to feel an itty-bitty twist in my stomach that soon grew into an all-consuming knot. What was causing this terrible feeling that kept me from getting some good shut eye?

Caution: Confession ahead. For the record, I would never admit this in public. Brace yourself – it’s fear. F. E. A. R. Sounds simple right? Everyone encounters the big bad wolf of fear at some point, so it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I wish it were that easy to reason out. To quote a strong female leader who has been quoted a dozen times before, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” Unfortunately, I am not as optimistic as dear Ms. Roosevelt. Fear has always been the giant t-rex in the room (elephant doesn’t do the situation justice). I internalize it mentally, psychologically and physically. However, I’ve found that fear is not the problem. It’s the resulting factor that can cause the most damage. For example, once I take interest in a certain opportunity, I am consumed, dominated and utterly obsessed with it to the point that it could be classified as an unhealthy disease. For this reason, I fear the pursuit of opportunities due to fear of rejection, fear of failure, oh the list goes on.

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