Tag Archives: decisions

So What Now? And In Other News I’m Kinda Sorta scaredofmakingdecisivedecisions

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It is finally summer. A time when the sun is shining brightly, my calendar is as good as empty, and time feels like it has stopped. Everything. Is. At. A. Standstill. At the second I dove into my bed and fell asleep before my eyes were fully shut, some cosmic force switched a lever that put my life on standby.

Actually I know why it feels like life is on hold. It is currently the waiting period for all of my summer endeavors.  It’s kind of funny how projects fall into a certain rhythm of crests and troughs of activity and inactivity. Even more interesting is how their rhythm synchronizes with each other. I’ve done what needs to be done and pretty much all I can do at the moment for the radio program. I’ve attended the trainings for my other volunteer position and I’m waiting for the final clearance from the director. I’ve been busy with both projects in practically the same week and now I have some down time. Nothing more I can do right? NOPE.

(Just as a side note: the answer is always no.)

There are final decisions to be made regarding my radio program that finalizes everything. Specifically, what material I want to air first, when I want to air it, and how the program might progress. These decisions kinda sorta scare me and therefore I’m approaching them very cautiously, mulling over the options, and thinking about the ramifications of my decisions.

I do not find these decisions to easy to make. For me, decisions in generally are not easy to make. Like choosing which pair of pants to wear. If I’m wearing skirts, most likely, it’s because I gave up on deciding between two pairs of embarrassingly similar pants. (But they feel different you know? Like they fall on your hips differently, have slack in different places, and are tight in others? Right?) For those of you who are familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality test I embody the characteristics of Judging (J) which means I like order, organization, and details. A lot. I make lists obsessively and if I could I would organize the world. Googling neat bento boxes bring me so much joy I can’t even…The tumblr thingsorganizedneatly, asdfkkhakgj. Going to Ikea, ~heaven~. I really really really identify with the woman in the video by the way. Pssss: It’s only 15 seconds long and may bring you happiness.

Lunch Box Ikea Commerical

The problem is, a list that has the options for what, when, and how, complete with pros and cons (and possible pros and cons) is daunting to look at. I don’t feel comfortable proceeding without having given a reasonably complete consideration of all the possibilities but also I need to proceed. Some considerations include: what is going help me achieve the ultimate goal of the program most effectively, what is going to be the least taxing to execute aka the most possible, and which considerations should be given more weight. Good news: I have a couple of weeks to finalize everything. Bad news: I have a couple of weeks to finalize everything.

If anything my lists of possibilities shows me that I need to consult with people I trust. Fear is healthy to some extent before it becomes paralyzing and that is so not an option and will not be an option because I’m driven to do this project and have so much support. I moved a lot as a kid and I had to go through lots of omg-I-have-to-attend-yet-another-new-school situations. I dealt with it by thinking to myself, “I’m scared and I have reason to be scared but I’m more excited than I am anything else because everything new and unknown has potential and potential is exciting”. Same tactics apply. Rinse and repeat as needed.

“What have I done?”

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought this in the last six months.

Is this the only path?

The first was when I learned I had been awarded the Fulbright. A moment that I expected would have been joyous, was actually a mix of relief (that the wait was over) and terror. At a time where most of my peers were still figuring out their post-grad plans, I now had the next year laid out in front me. On March 26, 2012, I was in the same, confused boat as everyone else, and at Scripps that boat is more like a luxurious cruise ship of confusion. By March 27, 2012, I was in a boat of my own. Sure, my dinghy-for-one had a heading, but I really missed the company.

It can be difficult to talk about job opportunities with friends senior year, particularly if they haven’t been offered anything, and even more so if you’ve been offered an opportunity for which they’ve been rejected. Still, I had thoughts and questions to wrestle with, starting with “what have I done?”

I don’t plan on being a teacher. I’m not even sure that I enjoy kids. Actually, I’m fairly certain I don’t enjoy most kids, but you can’t say that sort of thing without sounding heartless. Did I really want to be an English Teaching Assistant? Maybe I got caught up in the Scripps Fulbright frenzy. Maybe I just needed to “win” something to prove my worth. I’d experienced so many lonely moments in Denmark, did I really want to go abroad for a full year? And what about my long-term boyfriend, who I would be leaving behind? I re-read my Statement of Grant Purpose and Personal Statement, regained my confidence and accepted the offer, but these doubts and anxieties did not disappear.

Taking a Fulbright felt very much like walking into the woods without using the buddy system…

They resurged with a vengeance at the airport. I was a crying, snot-faced mess at the gate of my plane, and seriously considered not boarding and wiring Fulbright their money back. “What have I done?” In addition to the doubts about my professional capabilities and trajectory, I was overwhelmed with leaving my boyfriend. After four years of taking those Scripps psychology surveys that ask you context-less questions pitting careers and relationships against each other, I was living out that dilemma. And it hurt.

Now that I’m here, I’m still not sure what I’ve done. I don’t know how to teach. I don’t speak the language. I could be eating my favorite pumpkin bagel with pumpkin cheesecake cream cheese back in the beautifully autumnal Pacific Northwest right now. I could be furnishing an apartment that I plan to live in for more than nine months, or going to my friends’ engagement parties. I could be living somewhere with a Taco Bell right now, for goodness sake!

…but a walk in the woods has its rewards!

But I’m not. I’m on an adventure that requires me to take one step at a time. It’s one that I am ready for, whether I think so or not, and sometimes I need to take time out to remind myself of my strengths. I’m a “Strong Scripps Woman.” I’m good at mentoring, public speaking, recognizing and navigating cultural differences. I work well with a team. I have a good sense of direction.

And sometimes, I can write.