It is now my last semester at Scripps. This is not a statement, but an attempt to remind myself of a fact that constantly slips to the periphery. I won’t go so far as to say “I can’t believe it’s my last semester,” because it’s a fact that I just accept as true. But I can’t really comprehend what it means. It’s similar to my inability to comprehend the reality of news that happens far away, or the magnitude of the world’s population. I don’t doubt that these things are true, but they don’t feel present or immediate.
Sometimes the fact that after this semester, I will never return to Scripps feels so true that I am filled with butterflies of excitement and anxiety. I feel this way when I make concrete plans for my post-graduation life, such as the celebratory bike tour my best friend and I just finished planning. When I picture us with our bikes loaded up with gear, riding up the East Coast from South Carolina all the way to Quebec City, I suddenly am able to imagine a future with a wide expanse of discovery and opportunity. Granted, I understand my post-graduate life is mostly not going to involve riding my bike around the country. Just the fact that I have this single plan in place, however, makes everything else- like the grad school applications I will not complete for another year, and their even more uncertain responses- feel simultaneously more imaginable and manageable. The uncertainty feels less daunting, and more like a challenge to seize new opportunities. I can’t wait to see what will unfold from each of these new experiences.
Most of the time, however, the idea of leaving Scripps seems too abstract to comprehend. Scripps is a place that has taken care of me. I’ve been guided by Professors and advisors who had my best interests at heart, and been surrounded by both friends and like-minded peers who have offered support and influenced my ideas. Completing my bachelor’s degree has provided me with a constant goal that has kept me in motion, even when the details of my aspirations and future plans have been murky. I’m not sure what it will be like to leave behind the professors who were lenient with me when I was having a tough time, but pushed me when I needed to be pushed, or what it will be like to move away from my best friend who has always just been a text away if I needed her to drop by my room. I’m not sure what it will be like to not have grades to motivate me, or a professor helpfully reminding me of due dates.
On the other hand, I also have a hard time imagining what it’s like to not live in as high-stress an atmosphere as the Claremont Colleges, to be surrounded constantly by high-achieving peers with whom I constantly compare myself. I don’t know if I remember what it’s like to have a life that doesn’t revolve around one thing (school). Will it feel more or less stressful? Will I thrive in this more independent phase of life that I am fast approaching, or will the transition period be long and rough? I suspect it will be somewhere in the middle, that some things will feel harder and some things easier, and that there will be at least one aspect of life I will miss bitterly that I barely even notice now.
I’ve always liked endings. They provide an opportunity for reflection, and these are all the thoughts that I am processing, even as I am 3 ½ months away away from graduation.
Whether or not I am able to comprehend what comes after leaving Scripps, something about this semester already feels different. There is a sense of both urgency and hope, of youth and getting older, an end and a beginning.