Tag Archives: senior year

Channeling My Inner Cheryl Strayed

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Over fall break, I swear I heard the phrase a hundred times: “Wow, you’re a senior? Where did the time go?” And part of me echoes this sentiment. I can hardly believe that I’m so close to the end of my time at Scripps. But when I think back to how much I’ve matured since my Senior year of high school, it’s evident to me that the only way to describe this time isn’t in terms of how long or short it has felt, but how rich it has been in terms of personal growth.

Four years ago, I was freaking out. I was worrying about finishing eight applications, graduating, and leaving my small home town. Like all high school seniors, I was faced with some major uncertainty, and some major decisions. And for the first time in my life, I realized how scary decisions can be.

When I received my acceptance letters, my anxiety around decision making only got worse Every time I started to get close to picking one college, I would think about all that I would be giving up by making that decision. Even when I decided on Scripps, I was plagued by thoughts about a hypothetical future life at Colorado College. By picking Scripps, would I just be giving up weekend skiing trips? Or would I be giving up much more- like a more like-minded community of students?

It had never occurred to me before that in order to make a decision, you have to commit, and that in order to make commitments you have to shut one door- or more. This prospect was terrifying to me. I was totally equipped to make a decision, yet I was plagued by inaction. I had done all my research, I made list after list of pros and cons, I felt certain that I had explored all my options, and still feel I paralyzed about which to pick.

Thinking back to this time, it’s pretty evident to me how much I’ve changed. Today, I find myself faced with many similar decisions, and a whole lot of uncertainty. The major difference is that I’m not freaking out.

So what changed? Part of the difference is simply practice. Four years ago, I’d never made a major decision in my life. At this point, I’ve made a few. However, there was one moment for me when four years ago, things really clicked. As I was making my college decision, I read a piece of writing that gave me the gift of acceptance, entirely changing my outlook on decision-making.

I was still trying to decide on a school when I read Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed (better known for her memoir, Wild). Tiny Beautiful Things is a compilation of Cheryl Strayed’s reflections on life, written in the form of advice letters. It was one particular letter that has stuck with me ever since.

The letter is titled “The Ghost-Ship that Didn’t Carry Us.” In it, Cheryl Strayed writes to a man trying to make an irrevocable life decision, and offers the following wisdom:

“you want clarity about which course to take, but perhaps you should let that go… there will likely be no clarity, at least at the outset; there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss… I’ll never know and neither will you of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”

The idea that I could make a decision without knowing for sure whether it was the “right” decision was earth-shattering for me. I’d never considered that you could simply make a decision, almost arbitrarily, and never look back.

Ever since I read that letter, , I’ve let the “ghost-ship” philosophy guide most of my decisions.

After I spend some time writing out the pros and cons, after I explore my options, I simply make a commitment. I let go of the idea that the “correct” decision exists somewhere out there. I accept that by making a decision, I may be closing doors.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I have never since felt anxiety about making a commitment. It no longer bothers me that I may be missing out on some things in life. Because here’s the thing- I’ve discovered that whenever I have fully committed to a decision, while I have closed some doors, I’ve opened others.

As I get closer to life after Scripps, I’m definitely a little nervous. But I’m mostly excited. Many options have been granted to me, and while I can’t pick all of them, I have the privilege of picking one.

All In This Together

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First of all, hello! My name is Dorie, and this is my first blog post for the site. I’m so excited to be a part of this team of insanely smart, talented, wonderful, blogging ladies! I thought I’d keep the topic of my first post close to my own heart, by touching on a very important issue that can sometimes be overlooked in times of heavy stress (hello, thesis!!!): having a strong support system.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in one of those unfortunate, black and white infomercials where nothing is going right.

I feel you, girl.

As a senior (…it still sounds so weird to me), I feel like every time I see a fellow student—be it in-between classes, briefly in the dining halls, or loitering around Seal Court—the conversation goes something like this:

One of us: Oh hey, how’s it going?

The other one of us: *Dying whale noises, accompanied by various hand gestures indicating both complete exhaustion and an inability to properly articulate how busy everything is right now*

It boggles my mind how much we are expected to be juggling right now: thesis (for all of you taking it on this semester), all the work for our other classes, part-time jobs, thinking about and making plans for our futures, figuring out finances, applying to grad school, finding careers, moving across the country/world, networking, interviewing—not to mention the social and personal lives we are trying to maintain in the meantime! Between relationships, friendships, family things, and all the aforementioned things, it’s really quite overwhelming how much we have on our plates these days. This is not to say that only the senior students are feeling this way: definitely not the case. For me, it just seems like I am at this giant precipice in my life, and the various pressures that are pushing and pulling me one way or another can sometimes feel suffocating, limiting, and totally disheartening.

When I start to feel this way—sometimes hopeless, and often times lost in this sea of responsibilities, expectations, and life decisions I will have to make eventually—all I have to do is remember what that wise sage Troy Bolton once sang to me, all those years ago: “we’re all in this together.” Amidst all the midterms, thesis deadlines, and job applications, it is so easy to feel like these struggles are unconquerable, and that everyone around you is, somehow, handling everything just fine, while you are drowning under the sheer weight of everything you need to do each week. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not just you. In fact, I’m here to tell you that you are probably handling everything way better than you’re giving yourself credit for. Trust me.

It is so important to remember that, as overwhelming as everything might feel right now, there are so, so many resources on this campus that are here to make your life easier. I’m not just talking about Scripps resources—although there are tons that you can definitely take advantage of (like the CP&R office!)—I’m talking about the strong, powerful individuals you have been learning, living, and laughing with for the entirety of your life here at Scripps. Be it the people you live with now, a study group you are a part of, or your roommate from freshman year that now lives across campus, there are people all around you, both on-campus and off, that are more than willing to help you through these tough times, if you give them the chance.

Look, I know better than anyone that asking for help can be scary—there is a certain vulnerability and weakness about opening up that can sometimes discourage you from getting the academic, mental, and emotional support you might really need, especially when the going gets tough. But, just remember that you’re not alone in feeling stressed, or inadequate, or even that there is no way you’re going to be able to finish this thesis by the second week of December (although this last one might be a little biased). And, if getting the support you need comes from someone that isn’t a part of the Scripps community—such as your family, or your friends from high school—that’s not weird, I promise, just do whatever you have to do! Checking in with your friends and family on how you’re doing can feel so reassuring, and even if you might not know how to begin the conversation, you will definitely feel better after the conversation ends.

So, just remember, we’re all in this together, even if it doesn’t feel like it. The next time you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, try and remember what a good friend of mine once said: “It’s okay to have no idea!” Just as countless numbers of students have done before you, you will make it through this. Will there be ups and downs? Absolutely. Will there be highs and lows? No doubt about it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and there are more people than you can probably think of who are all rooting for you, and are more than willing to go out of their way to help you get there. All you have to do is let them.

(Did you really think I could end this post without leaving this here for your viewing pleasure??? Please. You’re welcome.)

The (Last) First Day of School

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Welcome back, Scripps! To all students, I hope you’re excited for your classes and are looking forward to the semester! The start of fall semester is really something special. Unlike the spring semester, it is a start of a whole new beginning. Coming fresh from summer, it’s a chance to bring those experiences back to campus and reconnect with the community. I thought I would be a little less flustered at the start of my senior year, but instead I lost my ID while moving in and I accidentally locked myself out of my suite on the first day of class. But starting senior year reminded me of a certain story about my first week at Scripps.

As a first-year, I went to a Fellowship Informational Session during the first week of school. 18-year-old me had decided to go to as many things as possible on campus and learn about all the opportunities available. At this point in time, I only really remembered the names of the girls in my hall and had started remembering where my classes were. Tiny conquests like that helped me adjust to college.

But 18-year-old me was really good at overwhelming herself (so is current soon-to-be-22-year-old me). I remember stepping into Vita Nova Hall, greeted by a sign in sheet. Maybe two dozen or so names were on the list before mine, but as I scanned the lines to write my own, the last column made my stomach lurch. Every other student in that room was graduating in 2013. I immediately thought, what am I doing here? All these students are seniors, and I’m just a first-year… Should I not be here? I mean, I just want to learn about these opportunities… Right?

I awkwardly sat near the exit and felt temporarily at ease, until Professor Edwalds-Gilbert started the presentation. The presentation included the descriptions, requirements, and timelines for a number of fellowships such as the Watson, Fulbright, Napier, etc. I left about 20-minutes in to the presentation and headed straight back to my room, but decided to stop and gather myself on the bench by the huge tree on Jaqua Quad.

The overwhelming feel kept escalated in my head, I was shaky and even a teary eyed, and at the time, I couldn’t put together why. I had just gotten to college, eager to take in as much as I could, and then immediately I felt like I was out of place, like I could never possibly pursue those opportunities after graduating.

Well, here I am now, the last first day of school, when three years ago, I couldn’t tell you what I wanted to major in let alone what career path I wanted, and that was okay.

Looking back on that story, I was scared. I was scared of the possibilities of what could be my future, and that overwhelmed me, especially since I wasn’t even completely comfortable at Scripps yet. But I take a few important things away from that experience; I must always discover what could be, by always feeding my curiosity and putting myself out there. Searching for those opportunities seems daunting at first, but throughout my time at Scripps, I have sought other experiences that have accumulated and empowered me with the confidence needed to take the next steps during my senior year in preparing for after graduation.

The Watson Fellowship Informational Session is this week on Thursday, September 4th at 3 PM in the Lang Art Building, Room 221, and I plan on attending.

So during these first few weeks of school, I encourage you to look back and see how far you’ve come. Whether you’re a first-year or a senior, your hard work has paid off to get you to where you are now. The bumpy roads are always rough, but you’ve learned more about yourself for it. I know I have! From getting accepted to Scripps and my last first day of school, first-year me would be really surprised to know what I’ve accomplished and see where I am today.

Senior Year Will Be a Balancing Act

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Welcome to senior year! I already feel excited, anxious, exhausted, and pretty darn accomplished and it’s only the first week of the semester. Usually this week is relatively relaxed, everyone getting back into the swing of things and no one feeling weighed down just yet by work. This Tuesday, I woke up at 6:55 am and dragged myself over to the library with my friend Mary to stand in a line to get a carrel for the semester. A carrel means a place to leave your book so you don’t have to lug them around and, if I understand correctly, an excuse to ask people to kindly remove themselves from your study area whenever you feel like it. Mary, a pro, had scoped out carrels the day before and chose the exact one wanted whereas I picked randomly. You can all visit me on the third floor.  I feel like I’m spending all my time outside of class and working on fellowship applications traveling from office to office getting signatures, advice, or attending a meeting. Even though I love it all so I’m motivated and feel so fortunate to have these possibilities, I still feel swamped and stressed by everything I have to do. It’s funny that these cool opportunities are also a big part of what’s making our first week back a bit too demanding.

Lately all I want to do is discuss Middle Eastern politics. If you also want to do this constantly please contact me so we can go over today’s news. I recently realized that analyzing Al Jazeera had taken over my life the day I got back states from Beirut, Jordan, and the West Bank and was hanging out with Claire, a Scripps friend who I lived a block away from in Beirut, and I noticed all we could talk about were the settlements, differences in the ways Palestinian refugees in Beirut and Palestinians in the West Bank in Beirut structured their identities, etc, etc. I’m sure the other Scripps friends we were with got tired of us, but no one was more vocal then my friend’s seven year old brother who told me matter-of-factly that what I was talking about was too complicated and didn’t make sense.

The good news is that all this reading and talking over the news is extremely helpful for thesis. I so look forward to researching many of the topics that came up in interviews this summer. I got to do this ethnographic portion of my thesis research while I was living in Beirut and absolutely loved conducting interviews, making friends and contacts as I got to hear people’s thoughts on a subject that interests me to no end, personal religious identity (I’ll get into what I was doing in Beirut and specifics of thesis in future post). It really affirmed an interest in Middle East Anthropology that I’ve been exploring in the last year. I’ve been thinking more and more about going to graduate school, and would basically be in heaven if I could get into Columbia for Middle East Studies. Their faculty is magical in that many of the professors have written books ethnographies exploring favorite topics, and especially because one of my favorite couples of scholars of the Middle East, Timothy Mitchell and Lila Abu-Lughod, teach there. But grad school wouldn’t start for a couple of years at least. For now I need to focus on more immediate applications and choices. In regards to thesis, I’m just thankful that I already have some research done and both my advisor Professor Lara Deeb and the professor teaching my senior seminar, Professor Oona Eisenstadt, have pretty strict and early thesis deadlines.

How is everyone else doing with the first week back? Seniors, are you feeling overwhelmed or is it just me? Dearest Alumnae, do you have any advice for balancing everything at the start of our last year?

Friends and me at Scripps’ carnival for new students during orientation, preparing to embrace senior year (I’m center).

 

Friends Mary and Matt congregated for what I’ve named Carrel Day at Honnold-Mudd. Note the very long line in the background.

If you’ve been inspired by my need to keep up with Middle East events and politics, check out http://www.jadaliyya.com/. Jadaliyya is one of my favorite journals containing thought-provoking analysis and opinions on the subject.

Kicking Off Senior Year

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Day three of classes have officially ended. Meaning that Claremont 4.0, round four, senior year—whatever you want to call it— is officially in full swing. I am absolutely ecstatic to be back on campus, but I have to admit, returning has felt distinctly different this time around. After the initial panic of actually being a senior (semi) subsided, I realized that the constant buzz of thesis and post-graduation plans hints towards a larger change. For these final semesters, my hopes, goals, and priorities have shifted in significant ways compared to previous years. For the first time in my college career, academic courses are not the dominating concern and focus around which everything else is structured. My classes are components of my life that compliment and support my various other pursuits and involvements. I am learning to divide and invest my time in activities that I find more meaningful while balancing the post-grad applications/job search that is already underway (cue: return of panic).

Understanding this change has caused me to reflect on my last three years in Claremont. Starting sophomore year in high school, I had resolved to be a science major and either pre-med or pre-pharmacy. From that point, I envisioned my future along those lines and felt confident in my sense of direction. When I arrived at Scripps, I immediately committed to Keck Science without so much as a glance at the other departments or courses of study. I was resolute in my decision and determined to begin on the path of a pre-med, biochemistry major. This is not a decision I regret. I genuinely like science and feel very comfortable and secure in the subject matter. The brilliant faculty, supportive environment, and unparalleled resources offered by Keck made these past three years an incredible learning experience. However, could I rewind time, I wish that as a first-year, I had given myself the opportunity to explore the range of options available to me at Scripps.

I am now a biology major hoping to work in global health and international development after graduation. My ambitions have obviously evolved drastically over time, and I have realized that several of the interesting, interdisciplinary majors at the Claremont Colleges could have prepared me wonderfully for this path. It took being in college for me to understand that your major does not necessarily have to correlate with or inform your career. Rather, the critical thinking skills and perspectives obtained through a Scripps education are transferable to any future aspiration and equip you with the confidence and intellectual curiosity needed to succeed. My advice to anyone entering college would be to test drive random classes in disciplines you may know absolutely nothing about. It will not only help you eliminate some general education requirements early on, but you may also unexpectedly stumble across something that you truly love. Had I done this as a first-year, I could very well have still ended up a science major—who knows—but I wish I had taken full advantage of the chance to experiment with all that Claremont has to offer instead of constricting myself with a narrow mindset. I’m interested to know how others choose their major(s). Was the basis of your decision preparing for a specific career path, or did you pursue a discipline that grabbed your interest? What motivated and guided you when selecting a major?