Tag Archives: anxiety

“I’m bad at math,” and other lies I tell myself.

Posted on by
Reply

This past week, I found out that I was offered a spot in an internship program that I applied for a few months ago. I am incredibly excited, but most of all I am so relieved that it worked out, and that I have one less thing to worry about.

This internship acceptance came at a good time, especially because these past few months have been filled with constant talk of internships, jobs, majors, study-abroad, housing, and all of the other long-term stuff that sends my mind into an anxious whirlwind. I have had many moments where I have felt like a “failure” for not securing an internship, and for not majoring in something “useful” or “lucrative.”

I recently declared a major in “Humanities: Interdisciplinary Studies in Culture,” and while I think it is a good fit for me, I often find myself wishing that I could have majored in something more “impressive,” like biochemistry or neuroscience. Nothing is stopping me from pursuing those majors, but they just don’t feel like majors that are right for me. In addition, for most of my life I have convinced myself that I am horrible at math and science, which rules out a lot of majors and minors. In hindsight, I think a lot of my hatred for these subjects stems (no pun intended) from some negative experiences I had with these subjects in elementary and middle school. I have told myself that I was bad at certain subjects for so long, that I eventually internalized it and began to hate them as well.

It also doesn’t help that I have a twin brother who is much more mathematically inclined. He is majoring in computer science, and I often find myself jealous of the fact that he is, in my opinion, pursuing such an impressive major.

I have done a lot of reflecting on my strengths and weaknesses this past semester, and I think I have become much more at-peace with the fact that I enjoy social sciences and humanities much more than I enjoy math or most forms of science. The thing is, we need all sorts of people in the world, and the fact that I am not going down a pre-med track does not make me any less valuable as a human, it just means I have different interests, strengths, and goals than some other people. Does the fact that I’m not majoring in a STEM field make me ‘less smart’ or ‘less hard-working?” Not really. Will people judge me for majoring in a kind of vague and potentially ‘less rigorous’ major? Probably. Does that matter? Not really.

And while I am still pretty convinced that I don’t have a mind that naturally “gets” math, I had a really positive experience with a science class last semester that pushed me outside of my academic comfort zone, and really caused me to rethink some of the lies and half-truths that I tell myself. I took a chemistry class called Land Air and Ocean Science to fulfill my natural science GE, and even though I was filled with trepidation (it had been quite a few years since I had taken a chemistry course,) I ended up LOVING the class. A large part of this was due to the fact that the professor understood that everyone in the class was taking it for their GE, and that many of us did not consider ourselves to be “sciency.” Thus, she tried really hard to make the material clear, engaging, and straightforward. Like I said, I have had some really negative experiences with math and science classes that left me feeling stupid and incompetent, so this class was such a breath of fresh air.

Overall, this class also helped me realize that it is not always helpful to narrowly categorize ourselves. As mentioned, my twin brother and I kind of grew up knowing that he was the “math-and-science-one,” and I was the “reading-writing-social-science-one.” We both placed ourselves in narrow categories that probably did us both a disservice through making us believe that we weren’t really capable of doing the things we were less talented at.

Me, when it comes to math.

Me, when it comes to math.

There have probably been a lot of things I have missed out on in life because I have convinced myself that I’m bad at it. I am now determined to stop categorizing myself in unhelpful ways, so that I will be more willing to go out of my comfort zone and try new things—even if I fail at first. Honestly, if I ended up loving a chemistry class—something I never thought was possible—then I can imagine there are so many other “lies” I tell myself that are probably not entirely valid. In the end, I have mostly come to terms with the fact that it’s okay for me not to love certain subjects, but I am also determined to challenge some of my internalized notions about what I “like” and “don’t” like, and I suggest that we all try this exercise out more often.

How’d you do on the test? Looking past a bad grade and making the most of the experience.

Posted on by
Reply

Classes are hard to manage on their own, especially when you’re trying to balance a sport, extra curricular activities, clubs, etc. And when you get a test or paper back that you really needed or wanted to do well on, it can feel like the floor is opening up beneath you when you see that letter or number that is much lower than you wanted. Sometimes it feels like it’s a dream, like it couldn’t possibly be real. Sometimes, I wait to look at my score, just so I can delay my disappointment, and sometimes I feel exactly like Christina does above. The truth is, it’s hard to deal with a low score or grade and it’s hard not to let your mind wander and conjure up all the horrible things that will happen because of that one paper or test. It’s hard to remember that one test is not going to make or break your college career and it’s even harder to admit that maybe, just maybe, you and your studying habits were a large portion of why that score was so low.

I will say that there are times when professors are “weird” graders, where you got docked points for something so trivial, even when it was obvious that you knew the material. But a lot of the time, feeling upset about a grade often stems from knowing that we could’ve done more to prepare, could’ve spent more time developing a thesis, or spent more time in office hours. This is hard, because we have to admit to ourselves that we have messed up. But in so many ways, this can be liberating, because it means that, although we had the power to make those mistakes, we also have the power to amend them and work harder the next time. For me, I like to make a study schedule, where I just study a little bit each day leading up to the test. If I have a schedule, I am likely to stick to it and thus, I get all the studying done that I want and don’t have to worry about running out of time the night before. First I make a list of everything I want to do to prepare, and then I map out when I will get each of those things done. By doing a little bit each day, it makes the whole process a lot less daunting and relieves a lot of stress.

When you know that you have studied everything you felt was most important and that you spent a lot of time preparing, you can go into the test with more confidence. That in itself makes such a difference. There have often been instances where I make a mistake, not because I don’t know the material, but because I am not confident enough, end up second guessing myself, and changing my answer at the last minute. For me, that is the worst feeling- when you know that you knew a certain concept, but it didn’t show on the test. And sometimes I really do feel like this:

Tests and papers can be daunting and the grades you get on them can seem like the end of the world if they’re not what you wanted, but no test score or grade is equivalent to your worth as a human and it’s unlikely that one bad grade can determine your success in or after college. Your grades do not tell anyone anything except for how well you showed your understanding of a specific material on that given day. Remember that you are so much more than your grade. 

What to Take Away From an Internship You Loved/Hated

Posted on by
Reply

frabz-Youre-telling-me-that-at-this-internship-I-dont-have-to-get-you-5d37aeEveryone can relate to the dreadful feeling that washes over you the morning before your first day at your new internship. The type of anxiety that twists your stomach into knots, forces beads of sweat to appear on your forehead, and makes you second-guess your first-day outfit choice one too many times. As you step foot into your new office, your mind runs at a million miles per minute, ridden with mixed emotions and most of all, fear. Unsure of what lies ahead, you deliberate: Will I enjoy my time at this company? Will I contribute and make a lasting impact? What happens if I hate it??

In reality, not only can we all relate to the anxious feeling leading up to our first day on the job, but we can also empathize with the disappointment or surprise when faced with the reality behind the position description you initially read on the job posting.

My personal experiences with internships in the past have taught me many valuable lessons on what to take away from an employment opportunity, regardless of whether my experience was positive or negative. After being accepted to a renowned company as their summer intern two summers ago, I was more excited than ever to begin summer. As the weeks flew by, and my initial anxiety faded, I came to realize that I hated everything about what I was doing. Nothing had prepared me for the fact that I would be stuck doing chores completely unrelated to the position description, feeling as if I was gaining no valuable skills, performing mindless and laborious tasks with no credit, and without pay to top it all off. It was almost tragic–the buildup and anticipation that I had held onto as I awaited summer because of this job came to a crashing halt, and I dreaded crossing the Golden Gate every morning to go to work.

At that point, I knew I had to do something to change the course of where this suddenly grim summer was heading. After working my connections, I was given the opportunity to work with a company, alongside the company executive, that changed my life and point of view, and turned my summer around. I began working two jobs, knowing I needed an escape from my original position, but not wanting to quit as I had come too far already. The new perspectives and diversity of skills I gained as an employee of the agency (no intern title here!), made me recognize my true potential and the innate skills I already had, which I was able to refine. Not only was I compensated for my work here, but I also felt as if I was given the credit I deserved for my hard work, which had a clear, constructive impact shortly after I arrived. I found myself at my first job, thinking about my second job and using any spare time I had to contact my boss with updates, research brand development, and mentally map out the photo series I was planning to create that following weekend. Eventually, my cubicle at my first job became littered with pink and purple post-it notes crowded with ideas and sketches for my second job.

At the end of the summer, coming out of both these diverging experiences, I realized that I had gained so much, when I previously thought what I had been doing was a waste of time. What I learned from the internship I hated was the fact that I need to have agency and a voice in the company where I work, and simply put, that I would never work in that professional sphere again. I was proud of myself for not quitting, even when I was driven to the edge of my patience, and instead, pushed myself to find something that would occupy my mind and time positively. I took full advantage of my original internship by speaking one-on-one with my superiors and the different artists I encountered, as well as with my other interns. In the end, I was able to make connections and lasting friendships, as well as find out more about my desired career path and myself. Clearly, I gained more than I ever could have imagined from the internship I loved, even having the opportunity to work remotely and for the following summer, which turned out to be even better and more rewarding than the last. Reflecting on my time with this company, I notice that because I was able to wear so many hats and was given many responsibilities where I was able to use my creative perspective and drive to fulfill these goals, I flourished and grew as a young professional and young woman.

In the end, although the initial awe and glamour may wear off, even when you find yourself fetching coffee, spending three hours fixing an evil photocopy machine, or doing any other stereotypical, mind-numbing intern work, there can always be a positive outcome from any experience. Whether that is figuring out exactly where you don’t want to end up, calculating the next steps towards getting where you do want to be, or even making a new connection, you will gain something valuable if you make the best of your potentially despairing intern situation.

Getting the Job

Posted on by
Reply

There is nothing worse than the weeks of anxiety that come after having applied to a job, and knowing that you’ll get some sort of response at some point, but not knowing when. Our modern age makes this time particularly volatile, as I can check my emails incessantly, an action that undoubtedly increases my anxiety. During college acceptance season last year, I often joked to my friends that it felt like we were living during the Cold War, waiting for the bomb to drop at any time. It was not uncommon to see kids break down during class, having peeked at their phones under their desk only to see that they had gotten rejected from a school. Waiting for this job to get back to me brought back those feelings of anxiety.

The job I applied for told me they would get back to me by the end of the week, but if I didn’t get a response, not to panic (as if that was something I could control). I had sent them a follow-up email after my interview, as the Gods who wrote the Career Services Guide had directed me to do, and when I hadn’t heard a response by the next week, I sent another quick email asking whether or not a decision had been made.

The reply I received was worse than rejection: “A decision has been made, and you will hear from us shortly.”

Shortly? Shortly?! I thought that meant by the end of the day- or the next day, when I still hadn’t received a response. In reality, it meant three days, during which time I busied myself with friends and schoolwork, trying to get the uncertain nature of my future off my mind. But at the end of three days, I got the best news possible- I had gotten the job!

broadcityyas

I so excited, that I ran into Mallott at brunch without swiping in, having seen my friends in there (I got yelled at and had to go back). I immediately texted my family, who told me they were so proud. I am still so relieved to have a set plan for the summer, and that I no longer have to worry about waitressing, because…

igotmoneynow

I still have a far way to go before becoming a full-fledged career woman- I’m texting my dad tomorrow to help me fill out all the paperwork for the job. But I’m glad I was able to take the first step in getting an actual job, at an actual organization. I’m a bit nervous due to the sheer amount I’ll have to work- the job is 9-5, Monday through Friday, working with young children. It’s more hours than I’ve ever worked before, and I have to get up early to go into New York with my dad, too. Talking to a volunteer there, I heard it was the most professional environment that they had ever worked in. Still, I know that I will get plenty of training before actually starting my job, and I’m excited for all the new challenges to come.